The Therapy Alchemist
Change is not just about the science and research. Mental health isn't just what we characterize as a disorder or not. It's also about the mystical ways in which we change and grow. Science can't study everything about our inner spirit/soul.
On this podcast, a Licensed Professional Counselor in Colorado dives into the spaces that science cannot go. Discussing what ACTUAL growth and change look like. Filling in the gaps that the pop-psychology world misses, completely ignores, or sometimes shames. Plus some tips and tricks along the way to help you achieve your own personal legend.
The Therapy Alchemist
#23: Transforming Authenticity: The Alchemy of Identity
Today I dive into the random and profound place I am currently in. Reflecting on my own experiences with authenticity and the struggle for self-discovery, I explore the metaphor of metamorphosis through the caterpillar, phoenix, and the Norse god Odin. I share the emotional turbulence and growth that comes with this journey, offering insights that resonate with anyone undergoing a personal evolution. This episode is a deep dive into the magic of self-reinvention and the wisdom found in solitude.
00:00 Introduction to the Therapy Alchemist Podcast
00:29 The Journey of Authenticity
01:32 Transformation and the Phoenix Metaphor
02:09 The Caterpillar's Metamorphosis
02:49 Personal Reflections and Challenges
04:48 The Wisdom of Odin
07:29 Embracing Change and Defying Gravity
08:11 Conclusion and Final Thoughts
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*This is not a substitute for therapy nor is it therapeutic advice. If you would like to find a therapist in your area check out psychologytoday.com, goodtherapy.org, or therapyden.com
Welcome to the Therapy Alchemist podcast. I'm your host, Katrina Austin, a licensed therapist. I'm here to talk not only about the science behind mental health, but the magical process of transformation. I think I might be in the teething period of authenticity. After a retreat I did a couple of years ago, I had fallen in love with my human. Then, my desire and need for external validation hit me head on. They didn't warn me of the fallout of true authenticity and belonging. They didn't let me know that the price Maya Angelou Brene Brown spoke of, was actually losing my identity within my friend groups and relationships. Coming to terms with who I actually am and leaning into that person wholeheartedly has been a terrifying venture. It has its rewarding moments because I feel such pride and relief when I just share all of myself, but it also is laced with a shockwave of rejection. They didn't warn me about this. Or maybe they did and I just brushed it off as if it would be a needle prick, when in reality it was an OR trauma surgery. Maybe it's not that I'm burned out, overwhelmed, traumatized, lazy, or experiencing imposter syndrome. Maybe I am in the gushy phase of transformation, the part where I cocoon up, dissolve into a puddle, just to rebuild limb by limb. I think we often award the mythical phoenix with the mastery of transformation, and I understand why. It's a dramatic story of danger and death, followed by a brightly heated rebirth. But we rarely ever see the quiet and nearly invisible metamorphosis of the caterpillar. When the phoenix turns into ash, the drama is intense. There's a shock factor to it. Then seemingly out of nowhere, it is rebuilt like magic. However, the butterfly only comes about because the caterpillar goes back into the womb. Or egg, or pupa, whatever you prefer to call it. It turns into a soup of organs and rebuilds into something beautiful and absolutely different. I don't know why the caterpillar feels the need to transform. I'm sure they live decent lives on the ground eating everything, but maybe it's just a caterpillar's personal legend. Maybe that's its calling. I am still full of all my same organs and pieces, all my histories and memories, habits and impulses, insecurities and confidences. All of it is there, but they are not aligned in any conceivable shape. My cocoon is my apartment and I lay horizontal most days. I know this is a transformative period because I do not fear dreaming about the future. I didn't stop creating in my mind and leaning into joy and happiness in the moment. The world didn't turn gray and meaningless, full of numb emotions. It also isn't all heartbreak and grief. It is simply a time where I am sitting in the isolation of my cocoon, visualizing the woman I know I am deep down. It feels kind of like there are still shell casings around me. Maybe that's the dissolving part where I still armor up. Insecurities about if this time in the isolation will leave me homeless and hypocritical to my clients, or if it will actually lead to a glorious emergence. I have no idea. I'm still in the soup phase, but with a few crunchy bits floating around. It's messy in here. Seriously, the amount of times I have sat down my phone saying out loud to myself, because why not, it's just me and my dog, that I must absolutely be going crazy is enough to scare me into never speaking to anyone again. A guy I talked to on a dating app literally called out my irrational and obsessive behavior one night. I was on the borderline of psychosis. At least, that's what he thought, and I realized I was worried was happening. But maybe, just maybe, this phase is simply my metamorphosis. When I was looking up what a caterpillar actually does during this transformation, something that stood out to me was how the caterpillar stops eating and hangs itself upside down. Well, first of all, the part where I'm supposed to stop eating has not kicked in. Quite the opposite, actually. But, what an interesting thing. It stops taking in more nutrients. It knows it has everything it needs to continue on. It just trusts the process and risks being hungry and starved of its ordinary comfort. The second half of that step is that it hangs itself upside down. If this doesn't sound like the hanged man tarot card, I don't know what does. This tarot card represents the Norse god Odin, who hangs himself upside down, willingly, from the world tree. He was staring at some runes, trying to understand the secrets of the gods, humans, and the dead. He hung there for nine days, which by the way was excruciatingly painful. His goal was to gain wisdom without the help of any other gods. Let me tell you, I do feel like I am not interested in what others have to say at this time. Unless it's something I can find in a book or through a mentor who is dead or too famous to know I exist, count me out. I am not open to alternative feedback. I desperately want to see the wisdom in my life, and I have zero desire to have someone hand it to me. This is something I long to discover on my own. I want to know the language of the world. I want to see things in a way I've never seen them before. I want to embody the version of me that I've never embodied fully before. You remember that part where I said I felt like I was on the verge of psychosis? Well, as I'm reading more about Odin and his tree, I see that he was given visions and received secret wisdoms. Okay, so maybe I'm not as crazy as I think. Maybe the veil between reality and actual reality is the cusp with which I stand. There's a part of Odin's story that I keep skating over when I'm reading about it. So, I decided to Google why in the world Odin did this particular thing. While he was hanging upside down, he stabbed himself. According to the stories, it seems he did this as a way to not show he was suicidal, he wasn't, but as a tribute to what he was willing to give up. i. e. everything, in order to gain this wisdom. Maybe that's why I've been closing doors and burning bridges that lead to stories and roads that make me hate myself. A massive part of this story is Odin looking into the Well of Urd, which is where the goddesses of fate reside. These are the lovely ladies who carved out fate into the world tree. Odin was trying to decipher the carvings of these goddesses in order to control destiny and speak the language of fate. It is said that Odin used this knowledge to heal the sick and calm storms and make women fall in love. Apparently, Odin then became a seer. Which is laughable, as I have been able to see into people's lives through tarot and my intuition. As well as one moment where I swear I was talking to someone who had already passed. I see omens all the time. The universe is constantly speaking to me, and I've yet to fully decipher all of the differing meanings. So, maybe I'm the caterpillar. Maybe I'm Odin. Maybe I'm the phoenix. Who knows? Maybe I'm even wicked. As the lyrics say, Something has changed within me. Something is not the same. I'm through with playing by the rules of someone else's game. Too late for second guessing. Too late to go back to sleep. It's time to trust my instincts, close my eyes, and leap. I'm through accepting limits, cause someone says they're so. Some things I cannot change, but until I try, I'll never know. Too long, I've been afraid. Of losing love, I guess I've lost. Well, if that's love, it comes at much too high a cost. I'd sooner buy defying gravity. As a reminder, this is not a substitute for therapy or therapeutic advice. I am a therapist, but I am not your therapist. So, if you are looking for a therapist in your area, Check out the links I have below and don't forget to hit that subscribe button. See you all next time.
