#11: A Birthday Confession

Reflecting on milestones & self-discovery. 🌟 In my birthday episode, I share the ups and downs of my 35 year journey towards self-acceptance, healing, and honoring the truth. 

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*This is not a substitute for therapy nor is it therapeutic advice. If you would like to find a therapist in your area check out psychologytoday.com, goodtherapy.org, or therapyden.com

Transcript

0:15

Welcome to the Therapy Alchemist podcast. I'm your host, Katrina Austin, a licensed therapist. I'm here to talk not only about the science behind mental health, but the magical process of transformation.

HyperX QuadCast S & FaceTime HD Camera: 0:33

Hey guys. Welcome back to another episode. So today is my birthday Alyssa day that I recorded this. And I have a lot of things that are on my mind that I really wanted to just kind of. I guess share with you all to see if maybe there are other people out there who kind of relate to this. When you look back on your past and maybe there's parts of you that. Feel a lot of regret or you think that you haven't accomplished a lot and there's just kind of a negative narrative about your story. And as I was kind of reviewing my 35 years on this or her. You know, there's been. Kind of a mixed bag for me. So. I want to talk about. Not the details of my story, but just the realization that I've come to over 35 years. And how grateful I am to have been here for that long. Okay, so just keeping it real. Last night. I was really thinking a lot about some of my. More painful memories of my history, which a lot of it happened in my twenties. And. It seemed in his felt for a very long time that the bad has always outweighed the good in my story. What I realized whenever I was just fretting over how hard things have been. And a lot of regrets that I have. I realized that, wait, what about all the things that have been. Wonderful. And why is that so difficult for me to remember those things? And there's been this narrative that I have around myself and my story, and one particular event that really just led to a domino effect of me making decisions that. I felt. We're for such a long time. We're just horrible. I guess what I've discovered is that, although. They had negative consequences. They were done in a way that was me trying to cover up pain. And I think a lot of us can relate to this. So if you have a story of things that you've done, where you've hurt yourself or you've hurt others, And may decisions that may be wrecked your whole life and you regret it. How I have. Discovered over the years is that. It's kind of like self-harm. I've worked with teenagers a lot in the past. And parents really don't seem to understand why their teenager would self harm In self-harm is not the same thing as suicidal ideation. Self-harm. Is an attempt to lessen or redirect the internal, emotional pain that they're feeling. You know, like when I speak of self-harm, I think of like cutting, burning, things like that. And so when I was looking over my life and my past. I realized that. There was a moment. That I was groomed by someone. By a much older man. And this person. I mean, it's so difficult to talk about because if you have been a victim of abuse, you kind of understand this, but if you haven't, it's really hard to decipher, but. When you're young, it is so easy to be manipulated and to be convinced that you are more mature for your age and. All of these things and. This particular person. Actually came into my life after the first person who had groomed me. So it was like this weird back-to-back scenario for me. Where I had one person who was also around that same age. 20 years older than me, begin to Grammys and he would reject me, pull me back, do that over and over and over again, and just kind of psychologically manipulate me. And then. flash forward a little bit, and a new person came into my life and really kind of portrayed himself to be. This very caring person who seemed to only have good intentions, you know, of course they always do right. and milked my story. Too. To convince me of things and to convince me to do things that I never ever would have done. And. Looking back. I. I saw the warning signs and I talked about the warning signs to others, but they would just say, oh, that's just, that's just who he is. And he's just a loving guy. And I was like, yeah, but like, These hugs are a little long and they, they just, they feel inappropriate to me. And because other people were like, no, no, no. That's just who he is. I was like, okay, cool. Do. You know, it just is person. Who's just really caring. I didn't see the way that he was slowly, slime only. Sneaking his way into my life. When that situation exploded. All the blame was placed on me and not just from. The people that it hurt, but also. In myself, I took full ownership of it. I thought that I had chosen. That situation when in reality, I never did. You know, it's, it's crazy when you're trying to. To fill a void, how easy it is for somebody to come in and really just. Take control of you, you know, especially as a woman and somebody who's, you know, as women, we've kind of been trained over the years. I mean, It's in our DNA that men own us. Right. I mean, we've been abused. Since pretty much the beginning of humanity. To feel an emptiness in myself and like, feel this desperate search for something deeper for this happiness, for this fulfillment. If it came from a man who seemed, you know, who was older and smarter and. I trusted, you know, It seems like it was. Somehow in a weird way, the right thing to do. So after that exploded. I took on full responsibility for all of it. I did at times try to redirect the blame And I was just like, wait, you know, this isn't all my fault. And so I did. Attempt to own up to my part of it. And as I look back many, many years later, I realized. I was so young. Aye. That would not have aligned with the character of who I was and who this loving person was. I was just seeking. Relief from internal pain. Which leads me to the correlation I've made between self-harming physical behaviors and self-harming behaviors. That. Are a result of trauma and abuse. After this situation happened. What I did is I just went all in. On sabotaging my life. At the time I just was like, fuck it. If I am this evil person. that I'm being told by, you know, my groomer that I was. Then I might as well act in that way. And so I would seek out things and, you know, it's, it's kind of like addiction in a way, but you know, do things to try to sabotage my life and to fulfill a prophecy that. I was this bad evil person and it didn't help that. I had grown up religious and. In religion. There was a lot of shame that I also took away from that, that I was also born bad. I was born a sinner. And so when you add all the ingredients in. You're going to come out with a shit pie, right. So I would do these things in hopes of fighting relief. While I was simultaneously hurting myself even more. So same thing with like cutting. When someone cuts. It's a temporary pain that distracts you from your emotional pain. And that is what happened to me. And yet. For years. I have. Been holding on to this shame and this story about myself. Like Bernay brown says the only way to get rid of shame is to expose it. Is to share it. And this was one of those deep dark secrets. I never wanted to talk about. I shared with a couple of safe people in my life. Having them. React in the most. Loving way. Was mind boggling. And what happened for me? That really shifted everything. Was last year when I told a friend of mine who. Whose opinion I trust. So deeply this person. Understands people on a level that I aspire to understand people. And I decided, you know what, I'm, I'm tired of this, this darkness, this dark story about myself I'm tired of carrying it around. I'm exhausted. I want freedom from it. I reached out to a friend of mine. I said, okay, I've got it. I've got to tell you this thing. This thing that I've been hinting around since I've met you about why I'm such a bad person and. I did it. Kind of impulsively, you know, cause I didn't want to think too much about it cause I definitely would've talked myself out of it, but. I told the story and this person's response. Uh, just. Blew my mind. This person was the first one to recognize that I was being groomed. And he was like, Of course, all of this happened. He was grooming you. And I don't know why I didn't click those into place. I had spotted the other person before that who had groomed me, you know, I had learned that one, but this one, it just felt so different. And I think it's because I carried so much shame around it because it. It hurts. Some of the closest people to me is the closest person to me. And when my friend said that I. I was just taken back by it. And so with all of that, I'm sitting here on my 35th birthday. Luckily surrounded by family. And friends and. I wanted to start off the story today with sadness. And I was like, wait, wait, wait, what am I doing? I've had an incredible 35 years. I was like, what all have I accomplished? And I was like, I accomplished about 80%. Of the things that I set out to accomplish, moving to Colorado, starting a business. Giving myself a voice by starting a podcast. So, I mean, so many things skydiving, like so many things, swimming with sharks, you know, taking risks that I never would have done before. And a lot of that time was spent discovering who I am. Finding my soulmate, which was myself at the end of it, which was shocking. And. There's a line. That, a training that I did said. Whenever I started my private practice and they said, 80% is perfect. 80% is perfect. And I was like, shit. I have accomplished 80% of the things I set out to accomplish. Um, I'm perfect. I'm fucking doing this. And I'm doing it well. And so I decided today instead of trying to discover. You know, what was the reality of what happened? And I don't know. I guess I really wanted to analyze the shit out of that situation because I felt fear. I felt this rush of like, hurry, hurry, you know, save your ego, save your personality or whatever. I decided to just focus on. The actual story. Of what happened that like, Yes. I played some role. But of course I would with my background where I was in life. On my search for identity and my search for happiness. Of course I did. it is sad that this person. Doesn't and didn't have to experience consequences. And I did. You know, his life didn't explode. He didn't lose love from others. In fact, it probably reinforced it. Because he manipulates and grooms people. I mean, he has a long history of that and the people who know him know this, it's a, it's a very hidden story that this person has. And. I'm going to revise my story. Because it wasn't reality. I was telling myself the story that he told. Which was that I was evil. And I am so fucking far from evil. Such a good person. And I try really hard to be good and I'm not perfect. And I explode and I'll get angry and I'll do. Impulsive things, But I also have spent. Gosh. I mean, Especially the last four years. Working my tail off to overcome those things and to really figure out where they come from and let go of that need to destroy. You know, to like sous that inner demon of mine and give it a new job. I've decided to allow guilt. But not shame. So the difference between guilt and shame is that guilt is. Saying I did something bad and I don't want to do it again. Shame says. I did something bad. Therefore I am bad. I welcome guilt. The decisions I made, how I chose to. To heal into seek happiness and to distract myself from my inner pain. I won't ever do again ever. There's not even a slight hint of a chance that I will ever do that again. That is something that I have worked so hard and dove so deep into myself to make sure that that will never happen to me again. And I will never make those decisions again. My character's not flood. I am a good person. And I was young. And I always manipulated. And that wasn't my fault. I'm a survivor of that. And it's okay. And that whole. That I was trying to fill. Something that I realized. On this journey of discovering who I am and an undoing, the ways of who I'm, I'm really not. I found out that there wasn't a hole there at all. I think I was told there was a whole. From religion, from society, from bullies, from abusers, right? Like, yep. There's a piece of you that's missing and in your broken. And I'm like, wait, no. I'm actually like fully whole as a person and I don't need somebody else to fill it. Because. I have my human. My girl. And she has been there for me. In every single moment for every single tear I've ever cried. She was there to pull me out of bad situations. She's the one who got me here. She's the risk taker and you know what. She's the only person who has never left me and who will never leave me. She's going to be there when I die. Like, I don't even have to die alone because my human is with me. And that is so. So beautiful. So. If you're looking back on your past now. And you have regret and you have shame. I encourage you to dive deep. Into who you are. Just go all in on that journey. And see where you end up. Because I have a feeling. That the story you're telling. Is not the truth. Thank you guys for listening. As always. This is not therapeutic advice or a substitute for therapy. So if you are looking for therapy, Check out my links below. I've got a couple of directories down there that can help steer you in the right direction. And again, as always, I hope you guys have a wonderful, wonderful day full of love. And hope and happiness. And if not, just keep breathing. See you next time.