#7: BOUNDARIES: Drawing the Line

Hold on tight as we embark on a boundary-breaking adventure in this episode of the Therapy Alchemist podcast! Join me as I unravel the mysterious world of boundaries. 

Get ready to explore the magical process of transformation, as I share my definition of boundaries and the types of healthy boundaries you never knew existed. Discover how to keep yourself safe with safety boundaries and unleash your inner superhero with personal boundaries. 

With plenty of practical examples and witty insights, this episode will leave you empowered and equipped to navigate the wild world of boundaries. So grab your cape and join us on this exciting rollercoaster ride!

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*This is not a substitute for therapy nor is it therapeutic advice. If you would like to find a therapist in your area check out psychologytoday.com, goodtherapy.org, or therapyden.com

Transcript

0:14

Welcome to the Therapy Alchemist podcast. I'm your host, Katrina Austin, a therapist in Colorado. I'm here to talk not only about the science behind mental health, but the magical process of transformation.

HyperX QuadCast S & FaceTime HD Camera: 0:29

What is your definition of a boundary? I get this question all the time though. I often wonder what fascinates people so much with boundaries. When I listened to people talk about boundaries. I find that the definition of what people think our boundaries changes drastically, depending on the person's interpretation of what it is and how to apply it to their life. Let's start with my definition of boundaries. There are two types of healthy boundaries that I see. Safety boundaries and personal boundaries. Safety boundaries are the things we will do to keep ourselves safe. An example of this would be saying. If you call me another bad name, I'm going to hang up the phone. This one. I think most people are really aiming for when it comes to implementing boundaries. Well, we are really looking for are ways to get people, to treat us better. However, the caveat to this is it boundaries. Don't get people to do anything. That's right. What you were hoping that boundary is going to do is not what it's used for. Boundaries don't change other people's behaviors. They change yours. The goal of a safety boundary is to keep you from staying in situations that are dangerous or harmful to you. The goal is not to manipulate other people and force them to change their behavior through guilt force or punishment. Boundaries do not punish people. They are not ultimatums. They are simply stating a fact that will occur. If the other person continues to behave in a harmful way. But only after communicating with them clearly, multiple times. Let's break down exactly how to walk through a safety boundary. First you have to stay to the other person, exactly what they are doing and how it is hurting. You. This sounds like, Hey, do you mind if we talk later about something that's bothering me? Yesterday, you got really upset with me and you called me a bitch. I know that emotions were heightened at the time. However, that really hurt my feelings. Being called names just isn't acceptable in my relationships. In the future. Can you please refrain from name calling? I really want us to have a close relationship and this will help make it healthier. What I did there, it was described what exactly happened without bashing the other person's character. You have to remember that most people are trying their best and don't want to hurt the people they love. Now flash forward to the next bite and say, that person uses name calling again when they were in a fit of rage, once a fight has ended and everyone's calmed down, you discussed the situation with them. Again, this is step two. Here's the point. Most people miss, when it comes to setting boundaries, you cannot just throw a boundary at someone without explaining why it matters to you and give them plenty of time and reminders so that they can change. Let's think of it this way. How hard is it for you to get into the new habit of going to the gym? Pretty damn hard. Right. Well, change is hard for everyone. Even if they care about you. So giving the person a chance to change is important unless you are in imminent danger. However in abusive situations, there is a different approach to setting boundaries. As it's a lot less soft and more abrasive if it's actually safe to do so. In most abusive situations, boundaries can lead to more harm or even death. And it's not recommended in that moment. So we're not including that in this situation. Step three. Now you said the clear boundary on what you will do if their behavior happens again. That would be like saying, I've talked with you multiple times about name calling during arguments. And I want you to know that if you call me a bad name again, I'm going to lead the conversation immediately. Whether that's hanging up the phone, walking away or leaving the house. Now the boundary has been placed, as you can see, not once did we change the other person's behavior? We simply were vulnerable about how their behavior made us feel. Ask for clear behavior change, stated it over and over to give them time to change. And then if their behavior didn't change, we changed ours. Next is personal boundaries. Uh, personal boundary is a boundary that you were going to do for yourself. It's what you're going to do to create a lifestyle that you want to live. This really calls to those people who are proper people pleasers. When you were constantly doing things that you hate doing. If you can never say no, this is for you. These boundaries, give us a logical reason to say no to things we don't want to do. An example of this would be, if you have a person that you want to date. But they only hang out with you at night to sleep together. Your boundary would be giving yourself a bedtime. So, if you say I go to bed every night at 9:00 PM. And then the next time they hit you up at 11:00 PM. With that you up text, you don't reply because you go to bed every night at 9:00 PM. This way, you're designing your life to make sure that you are living the life you want without letting other people dictate all of your decisions. Or helping you to not make choices that you later regret. So the more structured we are with our lives, the easier it is to set boundaries. Because a lot of times, the reason why we don't want to set boundaries with people or say no, Is because we don't have anything else going on and we feel really guilty about upsetting other people. But do you feel guilty if a friend says let's go shopping, but you have to work that day? Of course not. That's a personal boundary. If you design your life to prioritize what you want to prioritize and the personal boundaries will just come naturally. Okay. Now for what boundaries are not, here's some examples of boundaries that I have personally heard. First saying something is a boundary when it's really an expectation. An example of this would be it's a boundary of mine that you call me on your way home from work. One, this is not a boundary because you did not state why you were wanting this to happen. And you didn't mention a single thing about what you are going to do. Remember a boundary is not about what the other person has to do. It's about what you are going to do. If that other person continues to do a behavior that hurts you. Therefore you are setting an expectation and calling it a boundary in order to manipulate the person into doing what you want them to do. So a lot of people are using the term boundary as a means to manipulate people. It's a very controlling behavior because it's difficult for someone who maybe isn't fully educated with mental health language to recognize that they get a choice in the matter. I've seen people use this term as a means to make people feel unhealthy or abusive because they aren't doing what the other person wants. So we got to stop that shit. The second thing a boundary is not is if you set a boundary in a way that blindside someone, this is not a boundary. This is just controlling behavior. An example of this would be, if a friend is venting to you about a romantic relationship, yet you secretly have feelings for this friend. So the next time they mentioned a romantic relationship, you say, don't talk to me about this person. Why is that not a boundary? Well, let's go back to the list. First you don't explain clearly and vulnerably why you want that person to stop talking about them. As far as they know, their friend just told them to shut up for no reason. Second, you didn't give them time to change their behavior. I imagine if this person is your friend and you said that you had feelings for them and it hurt you when you listened to them, talk about a romantic partner, that they would respect that and not want to hurt you. Third. You said what they needed to stop doing without mentioning anything about your behavior. Again, you cannot control someone's behavior. Boundaries are about controlling your behavior. Well, I hope this added some clarity around boundaries and you can go out into the world and build stronger and healthier relationships. As a reminder, I am a therapist, but I'm not your therapist. Therefore, this information is not a substitute for therapy or therapeutic advice. If you're wanting to find a therapist near you, please check the box below with links to some of my favorite therapist directories. Remember to hit that subscribe button and share this episode with someone you feel may benefit from the information. Hope you all have a great 20, 24.