#6: Why are we TOXIC? (Part 3)

In this episode, we discusses the history, origins, and hidden nature of toxic behavior. Exploring the impact of childhood experiences and dysfunctional family dynamics on developing toxic traits. While also highlighting the similarities between people pleasers and individuals with narcissistic tendencies, emphasizing the importance of setting boundaries and taking accountability for one's actions.

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*This is not a substitute for therapy nor is it therapeutic advice. If you would like to find a therapist in your area check out psychologytoday.com, goodtherapy.org, or therapyden.com

Transcript

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Hey guys, welcome back to the toxic series. In the first two episodes, we talked about six different behaviors that are typically missed I chose to do those because there are a lot of traits that are toxic that I think a lot of us already know. And so I want to talk about ones that are more hidden and not as easily identifiable inside of us. today I wanted to talk about a little bit of the history around toxic behavior and where that comes from. this is all from my personal experiences, the therapist, as well as my experience is somebody who has toxic behaviors that I've had to work through. what's really important is to just recognize and normalize how common these are in every single person. It's just maybe more exacerbated in some people than others. Something that I noticed pretty early on working with people who have emotion, dysregulation issues or. Our on the narcissistic spectrum. Meaning that they have some sort of narcissistic tendencies. To different degrees. Is it, these people in their childhood typically started out as people pleasers. Like most children do. What happened somewhere along the way. And it happens at different phases for different people. But somewhere along the way, they learn that those people pleasing behaviors are not getting their needs met. And so they go to the other end of the pendulum. And going from one extreme to the other is so common in human behavior. I have noticed this throughout history, just watching how people change and how all of this happens. We typically over-correct whenever we are changing something. What happens is that they over-correct. And then somewhere along the way, As they get older typically. Or they experienced some major life event. That is a very huge negative consequence. They start to challenge those very extreme views and settle somewhere in the middle. Right? So this is where the people typically will start going to therapy or, really asking themselves questions about their toxic behaviors that they have. However, before that they are on the other end of the pendulum. And it is very difficult for them to identify that they are there. The other type that I noticed is some children are raised in an environment where toxic behaviors are done by their parents. if they are in an abusive situation, Or if they have parents whose emotions are really dysregulated or they struggle with addiction. And so these children are honestly enabled by this because They're modeling those behaviors. As something that they believe is healthy. they do it because they watch it work for their parents or their caregivers or their siblings, or whoever's in their life. That are showing these behaviors. So let's talk a little bit about these protective behaviors. when we look at children, Children learn really early on how to influence their parents through manipulation. And I like to switch between the words influence and manipulation, because I think that they can go either way, depending on the situation. An infant, they have to cry in order to get their caregiver to feed them. Right. And so. Influencing their caregiver is a necessity for life. Otherwise they die. And so we learned very early on that we need to manipulate our environment. So kids who grew up with these toxic behavioral patterns typically. Are. Doing behaviors that actually helped them in the long run.

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Every protective behavior that we do has a pro and a con. And early on, the pros will outweigh the cons. And so with toxic behaviors, eventually the scale tips. At some point along the way, what was working for us before no longer serves us. And in fact, it does the opposite of what we want it to do, which then again, reinforces that toxic behavior and it reinforces it because this is the only behavior that we know how to do in order to survive. we just kind of dig our heels in deeper and deeper into this behavior, which makes our life explode. when our life explodes, what happens is, especially if you're more on the narcissistic side of things. You dig deeper into narcissism, right? Because now the behaviors that you were doing have influenced people to react in a specific way, So say if you do a narcissistic behavior that is very self-centered or very harmful to other people, then those other people are going to reject you. And when we get rejected and we don't recognize that the behaviors that we're doing are actually harmful and they're not helping us. And they are a direct correlation into what is going wrong in this situation. Then we lay blame on the other person thinking that people. Outside of us are now dangerous. And so people who have these narcissistic tendencies. They're just trying to make it in this world. And when they do these behaviors that used to serve them when they were children, because we cannot deny that it did. That is why they do it. It is now causing issues that are making them be rejected, which in turn makes them want to reject people right back. And so that's why I say whenever. We are looking at people who are on the narcissistic side of the spectrum. They are just the other side of the coin of people pleasers because people pleasers do the same. Amount of behavioral change. However, they're just doing it in the opposite extreme of the pendulum. I don't know why we are demonizing people who are narcissistic because we are perpetuating the problem. When we reject people. They will choose to either one go out of their way to serve us and please ask which we'll build up a ton of resentment and they will explode on us eventually one day. Or they're going to say, well then fuck you guys. I'm out. And they're not going to want to fit in with human society anymore because why would they were being mean to them? when you look back and if you have these narcissistic behaviors, I imagine that there was a point in time where you just said, fuck it to the human population. Because they were being mean to you. You want to actually belong. And you know, there may be a point where you just realize like, no, I just, I don't care. I don't, I don't give any fucks anymore. I'm not, I'm not caring, but if you may be in that spot right now, you may genuinely not care to belong anymore. However, look back in your childhood. When was the point that happened where so many events happened. So many consequences. so much rejection happened that you decided to just back out. When was that? And how were you? Before that happened. For me, I've struggled a lot with. Emotion dysregulation. I had a huge skills deficit in this area. When I was a child, I was very shy. My cousins told me that I didn't even speak to them until I was five. And then one day they just came over and. He asked if I wanted to play. And I said yes. And they were all shocked. I was very, very, very codependent. I relied on my family. I relied on religion. I relied on my friends to tell me how to live my life because I really wanted to belong. somewhere in my high school years, I started to get kind of rebellious, Because that will happen. When you are too far on any end of the pendulum, you will want to swim to the other side. I honestly just got fed up with other people, living my life for me. And then in my early twenties, I had to make a major life decision that I was not supported by anyone in my family or in my friend group. And because I had to make a decision that no one else agreed with. I went to the other end of the pendulum. I went from being a people pleaser to somebody who had these narcissistic toxic traits. And what I want everyone to see. And I need you guys to listen carefully to this. Both people are trying to control others to the same degree. Listen to that again. Both people, both people pleasers and narcissistic people. Are trying to control those around them to the exact same degree. It's just at one is more socially acceptable than the other. One is less painful than the other, right. One causes less damage. I'll acknowledge that it does. But it causes more damage to the person that's doing it.

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When I look at people pleasers versus narcissistic or toxic tendencies. I see the same amount of hurt happening. It's just whether or not it's happening to the individual or to the person outside of them. with people pleasers, the same level of hurt is happening as those who are narcissistic, but it's just going internal instead of externally rejecting people, they're internally rejecting themselves. Beating themselves up, Where on the narcissistic side, it's externally beating others up. the same amount of pain is happening. And so we need to stop demonizing people who have narcissistic tendencies over people who are people pleasers, In fact, everybody's just a person and they're trying their best. And the more that we reject them, the more they are going to want to be rejected from society and not give a flying flip. And, you know, whenever you're on the toxic side of things, What happens is that you get a sense of control. That is. Very comforting. whenever we do these behaviors is to keep ourselves safe, right. To avoid rejection, to avoid abandonment, to avoid. An outcome that we think is going to cause us any type of pain. Whenever we do something that's typically toxic or drastic, say for instance, it's belittling your partner and yelling at them or manipulating your partner in a mean way or something like that. Then we have power. And power feels like safety. Because control. Makes us feel safe. It's more predictable. Even if the outcome is that the person that you're talking to hates you. At least, you know, that outcome is predictable. And I see this happen. All the time. Whenever I have clients who are victims of domestic violence. And their partners will come in and they know exactly how to manipulate them. They know exactly how to hurt them, how to abuse them. They do it emotionally. Psychologically financially, physically, sexually. while I love working with people who are victims of domestic violence, because this is something I'm really passionate about on the flip side, I also understand. Where people are coming from on the abusive side. And I'm not saying it's okay. Duh. We all know it's not okay. that's why the people they do this too are considered victims. And simultaneously, because I want to take away some of your black and white thinking. Like we talked about in the last episode, not everything is black and white. There's not a victim and a villain in every scenario. There are some that are I'll go ahead and give you that, you know? However. On the flip side of it, the person who's doing the damage is also hurting. It's not okay. And there's a reason why they do it. There is something that happened to them where they learned that this is the best way that they can get their needs met. And typically when they have a partner. That they are abusing. That partner is somebody who is enabling that behavior, right? Because that partner will typically become a people pleaser. To get their sense of control back. And then they're both in this weird toxic cycle that they can't seem to get out of. Because the best thing that you can honestly do, if you have a partner who is. Toxic or abusive is to stop enabling their behavior. I'll give myself as an example. I would threaten my ex-husband with divorce all the time. that was something that I would just threaten because it worked. Right. If I would threaten him with divorce, he didn't want me to leave. So he would people please back and I would have control and he would feel like he had control as well. But we were both unhappy. And at somewhere along the way. He told me that if I ever threatened him again with divorce, that we were going to do it. for years, I didn't even mention the word divorce. I just remember feeling so much relief because. I didn't want to be doing those toxic things. I didn't want to hurt him. I didn't actually want to threaten him. I was just scared he was going to leave me. So I thought, well, if I can leave him first. Then it, then it won't hurt as bad. Which is not true by the way. It hurts the same. in that moment, when he set that boundary with me, It wasn't an ultimatum. It was just a fact. It was just, yep. The next time you threatened me with this, we're just going to go through with it. It felt so good to me because for once it was like, finally, somebody is forcing me to control that impulsive reaction that I have. And it's forcing me to treat him better because I didn't like treating him badly. I would beat myself up for it all the time. I hated myself for it. whenever we set boundaries, then we are giving someone permission to learn how to regulate their emotions in a healthy way. if you are someone who has these, these behaviors, that really just. Fuck up your life. I encourage you to tell your partner, to tell your friends, to tell your family, your coworkers, the people that work for you, to hold you accountable. Because. When people continue to enable that behavior, then it doesn't give you a space to learn how to regulate yourself. It makes it a lot more difficult. Because if people are willing to do whatever you say or cave to you then. It's really hard to change those behaviors because you get what you want. You immediately get soused by there. Submission. I can typically emotionally dump on my friends I have given my friends permission to set a boundary with me in those situations, because I recognize that sometimes when I emotionally dump on someone, I don't know how their day is going. And I just come in and I just say here's all this stuff that I'm feeling because I have big emotions and it is very difficult for me to deal with them. And so I say, Hey, Let me know if this is too much. Like I talked about in the first episode of the toxic series. I have friends who will outright say, I'm so sorry that you're going through this. And I don't have the emotional capacity for it today. And I'm like, cool. And for some reason that that set expectation. That boundary. Because it's done in kindness. Honestly, relieves me. Because then it, takes away the ceremony that I have around these big emotions that I have, and these toxic behaviors that I'll do because of those big emotions. I love when they give me permission to learn how to regulate myself, not all the time. Obviously. But over the long period of time, I have built such a strong relationship with myself. And learning how to sooth myself in those moments, instead of taking it out on other people, we're hoping that other people will come and rescue me. I want to say too, that with people who. Have these narcissistic tendencies. And I imagine if you are one of them, First, I just want to congratulate you on taking the first internal step to really look inside of yourself because that's hard to do. It's painful. But I want to acknowledge how difficult it is to actually look internally. Because when we are externally hurting others, it's because we have this pain inside of us. And that is way too overwhelming for us to deal with. it's our own internal fear that just keeps us from looking inward and risking the vulnerability and exposure of healthier behaviors. This is going to sound really weird. But something that I have recognized recently is that healthy behavioral patterns actually have a lot more negative consequences than we realize. So as somebody who is very self-aware and has big emotions and can react impulsively. I will apologize right away, as soon as I recognize that I'm doing something wrong because of the amount of work that I've done, I recognize it. And I will just call it out right then and say, oh my gosh, I'm so sorry. I did that. That wasn't right, As soon as I recognize it, sometimes it's within seconds. Sometimes it's within hours or days. Regardless, as soon as I realize I've done something, I apologize. It took me forever to get to this place, by the way. what I noticed. Is whenever I do something that's impulsive or toxic. And I apologize. I can be labeled as a scapegoat. we have to take into consideration that doing healthy behaviors. Can at times make us the bad guy. So when we take accountability for our actions, Now it gives the other person permission to blame us. And not take accountability for their side. And I just want to say that it's still worth it. It is still worth it to do those healthy behaviors, because at the end of the day, they may have rejected you or blamed you or considered you the monster in this situation. But you didn't betray yourself. Because you were truly authentic and congruent with your truth. And your truth is that you reacted in an unhealthy way that hurts somebody you care about. And you do regret it. Unfortunately, their behavior back to you is toxic. And I want to talk about those people who will take apologies and run with them. That's a toxic behavior as well. It's not okay. In most situations, it takes two to tango. if your partner or friend or whoever comes in and they're apologizing for their part, Do not. Ride that one, like a wave. Say, thank you for, taking accountability for your side. Let me think about my side now. And if you're a people pleaser, this is usually what people pleasers will do when they're in a relationship with somebody who did something that was toxic. Is able to run with it cause they're like, oh, thank God. It's not my fault. Right. Cause they're, they're typically used to going internal and beating themselves up. So it's really nice to be able to externalize the blame. But in healthy relationships. It's not black and white like that. Like I said in the last episode, There's not a victim and a villain. Both co-exist in both people at the same time. And healthy relationships. We share the blame. In fact, it's me and you against the problem. Not me against you.

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I'm so glad that you guys could join me for the third episode of the toxic series. As a reminder, this is not a substitute for therapy or therapeutic advice. I am a therapist, but I'm not your therapist, unless you're a client of mine, then shout out. So thank you guys for listening. Please share this with somebody that you know, in love. I am trying to get the word out there. I didn't go through all this schooling and all the thousands of hours of working with people for nothing. I want to share my knowledge with you guys. So please share this with others. Thanks again for listening. Hope you guys are having a great holiday season.