The Therapy Alchemist
Change is not just about the science and research. Mental health isn't just what we characterize as a disorder or not. It's also about the mystical ways in which we change and grow. Science can't study everything about our inner spirit/soul.
On this podcast, a Licensed Professional Counselor in Colorado dives into the spaces that science cannot go. Discussing what ACTUAL growth and change look like. Filling in the gaps that the pop-psychology world misses, completely ignores, or sometimes shames. Plus some tips and tricks along the way to help you achieve your own personal legend.
The Therapy Alchemist
#5: Am I the TOXIC one? (Part 2)
In part 2 of the toxic series, we discuss 3 different types of toxic behavior that are commonly missed: lack of integrity and congruence, absolutism in thinking, and emotional blackmail. It's so important to recognize these behaviors and work towards healthier and more empathetic interactions.
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*This is not a substitute for therapy nor is it therapeutic advice. If you would like to find a therapist in your area check out psychologytoday.com, goodtherapy.org, or therapyden.com
Hey guys. Welcome back to the toxic series in episode number two, we're going to cover three common behaviors that are easily overlooked. And adding that to our list of toxic behaviors that we don't often recognize that we're doing. And so before I start this one, I want to preface everything by saying that I hate the term toxic. And I think that in fact, that term in itself is very toxic and shaming. These behaviors that we do, we do them for a reason. There are pros and cons to every single thing that we do. So please take that in mind. Do not beat yourself up over this, just recognize, Hey, this is an area where this behavior is honestly no longer serving me. And it's actually doing the opposite of what I want it to do, which is typically to build connection and keep yourself safe. so whenever those things are not happening for you, it's really easy to fall into toxic behaviors. I want to start with one. That I really feel is common in today's society. And I don't know if this is because of social media and the narcissism that is happening because of social media or if it is. Honestly like the mental health field, I think could be having a negative effect in this area as well, because we are kind of teaching people to go internal and to set a lot of boundaries and. Honestly, I probably should do a whole episode on how I feel about boundaries, because I think that that one is often misinterpreted and used in ways that are way more harmful than good. I think we kind of went to the opposite extreme of boundaries, in order to self-correct. a toxic behavior that I have seen. that's not healthy all the time is a lack of integrity or a lack of congruence. And what I mean by this is it whenever we have a situation where our actions. Don't match our words, right? When there's a disconnect between things and we are starting to prioritize ourself. Over our commitments over how other people would feel over the promises that we make. And right now in the mental health field, what's really common is, is a huge focus on people who are people pleasers. And encouraging them. To now go and be more selfish. And a hundred percent. Yes, there are times whenever we are taking it too far and we are letting people walk all over us. However, I think we're leaning into narcissism. We are encouraging people to stop focusing on integrity. I have no idea where this came from, but it is actually baffling to me. A common thing that I see and I'll use this as an example, just because I feel like this happens often. And, and maybe it's just a Colorado thing. I don't know how it is in other parts of the world or other parts of the country. But I noticed that a lot of people will prioritize their quote mental health over their commitments. And so this could be something like going to dinner with a friend and canceling at the last minute, because you feel like your mental health is not doing well. I understand that there are situations where that is very true, and it is really difficult for you to leave your home. However, it's now used as kind of a scapegoat for not confronting those hard feelings. And then we get stuck in this cycle of staying depressed. Because honestly, when we are around people who care about us and who love us, Then we feel better. And so whenever we say things like, oh, you know, I'm going to set a boundary and I'm going to prioritize my own mental health over this commitment that I made with someone. We are now betraying ourselves because we're betraying our integrity. Our words are no longer matching our actions. We are no longer reliable. That is not typically somebody that we can admire, right? Like it's hard to admire somebody that we feel is flaky and inconsistent and doesn't follow through and doesn't text back quickly or call back quickly. I understand where people are coming from. However, I just personally think that this is ludicrous. Because integrity still matters. Kindness still matters. so if you find yourself really prioritizing yourself and when I say prioritizing yourself, I mean, prioritizing your temporary emotions. Over longterm trust building behaviors. That's whenever we know we are in a toxic space. Because we need to be in alignment in congruence with our values and our behaviors. This builds self-confidence, which ultimately creates a strong foundation for your mental health. The second behavior that is pretty common, that I feel is easily overlooked is absolutism. And absolutism is basically where we have this really black and white thinking and What I mean by that is it's thinking that it's all or nothing. And so typically these can be things where we will have a victim and a villain mindset. Anytime there's conflict. And so if you find that you waffle back and forth or you just stay in one position that whole time, right? Like if you feel like you're always the victim, or if you feel like you were always the villain, or if you bounce back and forth between who do I blame for this conflict? That's when you know that you have absolute a stinking. there's no space for a gray area. There's no space for understanding the other person's mindsets for having empathy and truly putting yourself in their shoes. So, as somebody who's single, I'm going to use myself as an example because this is one that I experienced myself in the dating world, but I also notice as I am going on dates with people, and I think that the. current dating culture is very confusing and it's very hard to navigate, especially with dating apps because we are now introduced to a lot more rejection than before. And it's all very shallow based rejection. Right. And so an area that's that has this absolute, a stinking is where it's kind of like girls against guys, Like, I feel like in the heterosexual dating world right now, it is a lot of just combative language and attacking against the other person, Where it's like, oh, you know, girls just use men for money and for their only fans. Or on the flip side, you know, men are just trash and they are sexual predators, So we have these really extremist views. And although there are always exceptions to the rules, right. There are always going to be people who are. Doing those bad things. For the majority of people. They're just trying their best to be happy. And doing it the way that they know how. so whenever we have this mindset of a me against you. It really creates a lot of disconnection. something that I realized in my dating life is that. I would kind of feel like it was a me against them mindset. I would go through phases where I had a lot of resentment towards men. During those periods of time. If I tried to date, it would just obviously repel people, right? Like that kind of energy is not, not the energy you want to go into, a date with someone. at some point I realized that I, I wanted to be somebody who would heal. Men's relationship with women through my interactions with them. And so I had to dive deep into my core values and my integrity and say, what does that look like for me? And so for me, I personally want to date one person at a time. I tried the other ways I tried withholding love. I've tried to. You know, not give guys girlfriend benefits, blah, blah, blah. And. Whenever I leaned into empathy. And started realizing like the person that I am going to meet and the person that I am talking to is just a person who is trying their best. And they're probably not out to get me. Then I was able to like get into this space of connection where. The men that I interact with are kind of blown away by it, which is very sad to me because. Integrity following through not ghosting people. Having hard conversations with kindness is so rare these days. And so this is something that people are doing with this absolutest mindset of just like, Nope, it's us against them. I'm going to do it this way. There is no in-between space for. You to not be the bad guy in me to not be the bad guy, but maybe we're just both not aligning right now. Or maybe we just view the world differently, or maybe how you are viewing this situation is just so vastly different than how I'm viewing it. But maybe your intentions are not bad. Right. we kind of add this intention behind other people's behaviors. Whenever we are in this toxic space, it's very easy to really. Put ourselves as the victim So that's just something to think about. And consider what areas of my life do I have just really extreme views and this can be politically as well. That's a big, common one that's happening now where it's if somebody is from a different political party than me, then they are less than me. And there's a judgment that goes on that person's character. we start to judge them as good or bad. However, that is how we create. Disconnect. And this is where we really start to dehumanize. People is in this black and white absolute is thinking. And when we start to dehumanize people, that's what leads to massive, massive, horrible things in life. Think about slavery. Think about genocide. All of that happens because we begin to dehumanize people and I have noticed in today's culture, we are doing that left and right. And it is absolutely terrifying. the third toxic behavior that I want to talk about is emotional blackmail. this language, is pretty extreme. And. I don't know. I feel like the language itself is, is very extreme, but The behaviors don't seem that extreme. And this is why I feel like this is one that's commonly overlooked, but can create a lot of damage. the Gottman Institute who has studied couples for the past 50 plus years, they have this thing that they call bids for connection. And a bid for connection is basically where healthy couples. We'll try to connect with our partner. Through something small. And I saw on Tik TOK recently that they call this the bird test and the bird test is where you're with your partner. So you guys are driving down the road and you say, oh my gosh, look at that beautiful bird. And if your partner leans into that conversation and looks at the bird and says, oh my gosh. Yeah, that is a cool bird or, wow. Yeah. I know you really like birds then. Awesome. That partner has. I leaned into your bed for connection and they are now bonding with you. However a lot of times. Whenever a couple is in an unhealthy state, they will reject those bids for connection. I view that as a way to take away from the relationship. so whenever I think about emotional blackmail, I think about the taking away of affection, of love, of sex of quality time. Not leaning into bids for connection. threatening to end the relationship, things like that. Those are really toxic behaviors that are not helpful. And this is something that I often see whenever people are. Conflict avoidant. conflict avoidant people. Can at times because they fear conflict. They will take space from a conversation. say, you know, I need time to process this. I need time to think which can be helpful. However, whenever you come back from that space of taking time away and you remove something from the relationship. it's kind of like a punishment. Whenever you get into a fight with your partner, do you take time away? And in that time away, do you think of ways that you can punish your partner? I know that you probably don't think the term punishment whenever you're thinking in your head, but in your head, when you take time away, do you think, What should I withhold from them because they have done something that I don't like. And that's whenever you know that you are emotionally blackmailing your partner. Because you are going back into the relationship and instead of calming yourself down in that time, you're finding ways that you can push your partner further away. And guess what. It works. And in fact it triggers their abandonment wound and does worst damage than if you had just come in there and said, This is really hard and I don't know how to solve this. Maybe we should include a third party. You know, like a therapist. part of emotional blackmail, I think would be something like cherry picking what you interact with. And so often people will give feedback about certain things that their partner says or respond to the things that they feel like they have more control over while completely ghosting the other. Topics that their partner discussed with them. And so cherry picking. Which conflict do you want to have? Although can be helpful at times, right? every toxic behavior that we have has a positive and a negative. And so there are situations where you do want to cherry pick, which fights you have. However. Whenever you are cherry picking fights to avoid something and to avoid accountability. That's when we know that we're in the toxic zone. Another toxic behavior. Would be doing things that deliberately make the other person's insecurities amplify. If you have an anxious partner and you withdraw through every conflict that they have, and every time they bring something to you, you are triggering them more because it makes you feel better. Or on the vice versa. If you have a partner who is avoidant and you chase them during a fight, literally physically chase them. You know, if they're saying, Hey, I need space to calm down and you follow them to the other room and do not let up. These are all toxic behaviors where you are doing a behavior to soothe yourself. However it is making the other person feel a thousand times worse. I feel like there's a balance in there that we have to have of leaning in and recognizing, okay, this other person is really flooded emotionally right now during this fight. And so am I. So why don't we just both sit back and figure out how to regulate our own selves instead of. Continuing to act out impulsively in ways that make us feel better, but makes the other person feel worse. Because that creates a disconnect that we don't actually want. I viewed that all under the emotional blackmail, because It's very much using emotions to hurt the other person. And it's really hard because how do you balance. Sharing what your emotions are with your partner and being heard and understood. With. Pushing them on your partner, It's really hard. And so the balance is quite difficult to figure out. So if you are doing this, please be kind to yourself. Just take it one day at a time. And try your best to put yourself in the other person's shoes. I know that your emotions are big. I know that your feelings are huge. However, just because they're big and huge, just not be little, your partner's feelings as well.
HyperX QuadCast S & FaceTime HD Camera-3:Thank you guys for listening. And as a reminder, this is not a substitute for therapy and this is not therapeutic advice. I am a therapist, but I am not your therapist unless I am actually your therapist. So take all of this with a grain of salt. And if you find that some of these traits that are coming up really fit with you. And it's something that you want to work on. I highly recommend that you find a therapist in your area. I typically recommend psychology today. Dot com good therapy.com or therapy didn't dot com. They are great directories for finding a therapist near you. thanks for listening. Please share this with a friend of yours. I am really trying to get the word out, to just help more people, because I don't have this knowledge for no reason. I want to be able to share it so that you don't have to go through all the schooling and experience all of the hard life events that I have. So thanks again for listening. I can't wait to talk to you guys soon.
