#4: Identifying if you are the TOXIC one. (Part I)

"It's me, hi. I'm the problem. It's me." 
- Taylor Swift and literally all of us.

In this episode, I talk about three different, commonly missed, toxic traits that you may have. Identifying if YOU are the toxic and narcissistic one is incredibly difficult AND painful. Not to mention full of so much shame (thanks social media). 

In the TOXIC series, we will identify common and uncommon toxic behaviors AND how to change them. Follow me to hear it first!

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*This is not a substitute for therapy nor is it therapeutic advice. If you would like to find a therapist in your area check out psychologytoday.com, goodtherapy.org, or therapyden.com

Transcript

0:14

Welcome to the Therapy Alchemist podcast. I'm your host, Katrina Austin, a therapist in Colorado. I'm here to talk not only about the science behind mental health, but the magical process of transformation.

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Have you ever wondered if you are the toxic one? Let's talk about toxic behavior today, guys. I see online all the time, all of this stuff about the toxic people in your life, how to set boundaries with those people, how to walk away from toxic relationships, things like that. And there's very little out there about how to identify. If you have behaviors that you need to work on. And I hate using the word toxic by the way, just because I think that that's so shaming and behaviors are just learned protective things that we do to keep ourselves safe. I just kind of want to start this podcast out with this, because this may bring up a lot of your own personal shame that you experienced. And so I want to normalize the fact that every single person on this planet. Is toxic. We have toxic things that we do, And it's really unsettling for me whenever I see other clinicians out there just really shaming people and making it an us against them mentality. Now I understand in abusive situations That's a necessity in order for that relationship to end for the person who is being abused to leave. There has to be very black and white thinking. And that is the only time whenever I feel that this should not be a gray area. So outside of that, let's talk about these narcissistic traits or unhealthy behaviors that we do. That used to serve us in the past, but no longer serve us today. I wrote down a list of what I would consider to be. Narcissistic or toxic traits and. I tried to identify some that I think are pretty easily overlooked often. And so I think this is really important to talk about because. A lot of times, we don't realize that these things are not actually helpful to us. to give a little backstory on these behaviors. How we work as humans is that we experienced some sort of an event. That event will lead us to create an expectation about the world. Right? Our brain is constantly looking for patterns. And we will identify with these events and label ourselves and label other people and all of these things to just kind of source through living. And so whenever we quit create an expectation that bad things are going to happen to us, then we start to go into our protective behaviors. at one point protective behaviors serve us. At different points in our lives. They don't serve us anymore. whenever we talk about these quote, toxic behaviors or narcissistic behaviors, All they are, are just protective behaviors. They're just there to keep us safe. And at one point they did, and that's why we continue to do them. However, when the consequences, the pros and the cons. When the cons start to outweigh the pros, that's when you know, like, Hey, something needs to change. I'm calling to also disagree with. The mental health field. And I understand that, we had these diagnoses for a reason, right there, ways to help us. Label and identify issues that are going on. However, they do not determine who you are as a person or your self-worth. However, whenever you go into the cluster B personality disorders. We go into an area with a lot of shame. And I understand why, because the consequences of this type of disorder lead to a lot of pain and suffering for people. However specifically narcissistic personality disorder and borderline personality disorder. I really want to focus on those two because there's so much shame around these and I absolutely hate it because they are things that you can overcome. I don't remember how I learned this, but at some point I know Bernay brown. I think it might've been in the book Atlas of the heart, where she was talking about shame or narcissism or something, but. And one of her books, she was talking about her research around narcissism and how she found that, what drives narcissism is shame. And it makes so much sense. people who have borderline personality disorder. Which if you don't know what that is, it's pretty much in my opinion. Just a skills deficit on emotion regulation. That's it, it shows up in really extreme ways. So a lot of black and white thinking. A lot of hot and cold, a lot of back and forth, push, pull dynamics. It's really driven by this strong, strong fear of abandonment. And that one is a really, really difficult one to manage. However, what's great about it is that it's completely resolvable thanks to dialectical behavioral therapy. the shame that comes with BPD should definitely be taken away. However, it's not, because you can overcome it. you just get to learn new skills. You get to manage your big feelings. And with narcissism. I really think that it's the same thing. this is just my personal opinion. I haven't done research on this or looked into if there is research on this. So take that with a grain of salt, I really believe that people who have emotion, dysregulation issues like BPD. And people who have narcissistic personality disorder or narcissistic traits. Are some of the biggest. Feelers on the planet. It's just, they're two sides of the same coin. These are the people who have really, really intense emotions. they don't know how to navigate them. So on the one side you have the narcissistic person who pushes people away, by setting themselves on a pedestal and putting everyone else lower, because if they can present themselves in that way, then maybe it will just validate that they aren't a piece of shit. When deep down, they really believe that they are, they really believe that they're unlovable. So if they feel that you are separate from them, Then rejection. Isn't so hard. Then on the other side of the coin, you have emotion dysregulation. this is what I would consider, the toxic behaviors. Right? You've got the narcissistic behaviors and then you have the toxic behaviors. those people are trying to pull people close. But they do it in a way of like, I want you to sooth me. So I'm going to put my emotions onto you and hope that you can resolve what's happening inside of me because it is a hurricane. of emotions and I need you. To make me feel safe and to feel better. I just wanted to start off by prefacing all of this with that. Cause I think it's really important to understand that these people are people too. And if you are one of them, Fucking welcome to the human race. Seriously welcome. You are so welcome here. Absolutely. And you don't have to stay in this cycle of self sabotaging all of your relationships, because I know that you crave connection. Otherwise you wouldn't be listening to this podcast. Or a friend wouldn't have sent this to you. let's start talking about the common behaviors I see that are pretty easily overlooked. the first one I want to start with is. Using boundaries as a means to control people. this is something that has happened. To me, something I have personally done something I have seen with couples in my sessions. With individuals in my sessions. There is a lot out there about what boundaries are, but it's very, very confusing and. Honestly, it's very deceptive. Boundaries are things that we put into place. As a last ditch effort. To resolve some sort of a conflict. what I've seen online and. What I see as other people's interpretation of boundaries. Is that you should be able to tell someone that they are doing a behavior that you don't like. And telling them that it's a boundary and they should stop. However boundaries are not about controlling other people because we can't control other people. At all. In fact, they get to choose how they show up and you get to choose how you respond to how they show up. However, on the flip side of that, you have to communicate with people what your expectations are and how you want them to show up. you have to do it really, really well. over and over most times. A lot of times I'll see things like, oh, you know, you should just go somebody, if you don't like how they're talking to you. And maybe on some occasions, if it's just some Joe Schmoe, however, if this is your partner or your friend or a family member, and they are talking to you in a way that you don't appreciate, you really have to. Communicate with them. Clearly and kindly that it is how they're coming across is hurtful to you. And you may have to do it multiple times because behavior is hard to change. Think about going to the gym. Okay. How hard is it for you to force yourself to go to the gym? It is hard. Okay. So having this expectation on other people that they have to change to fit into your narrative is really, really difficult for people to do. So giving them time and space to do that. That's the first thing. And you have to do it in a very clear way so that people can understand not in a condescending way of like you do this. And I hate that you do this, but more of like, Hey, when you say this thing, this is how I interpret it. And it really just rubs me the wrong way. Can you maybe work on like, changing how you present that? You know, things like that. And you may have to have this conversation over and over and over again. And that's okay. Because it takes forever to change. Boundaries don't come into place until after that has happened. So blindsiding somebody with a quote boundary. Is not you setting a boundary, it's you trying to control and manipulate the situation. Very very unhealthy. This is one of those protective behaviors. That we create that is considered like toxic. Or narcissistic, I would say it's probably more narcissistic. Cause it's all about you and not the interpretation of what the other person meant. And their intention. then the boundary is. If you continue to do this thing that I've talked to you about multiple times. I am going to do X. Okay. That's the boundary. The boundary is you can do whatever you want. I've communicated this with you. Clearly, I believe you fully understand, or at least I've communicated as much as I can. And if you continue to do this, I'm going to in this conversation or I'm going to stop being your friend, or I'm going to do this thing But we can't just like keep blindsiding people with stuff. we also have to take into consideration their perspective as well. I want to give an example of this because. You know, I see this happen. Often. And people think that they are. Doing the right thing by using mental health terms and they're using it in a way to manipulate other people. And it is not helpful. It is ruining friendships. It is ruining relationships. It is. Bringing people into a narcissistic mindset and putting everything back on to us As if the world should just fit our reality and what we want it to be, but it doesn't. that is hard to live with you guys. It is so hard to live in a world. Where not everything revolves around us. It really is. Also, if you guys hear any background noise, that's my dog snoring.

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I'm going to use myself as an example, because as an Enneagram four, I am somebody who feels every emotion on the spectrum. Sometimes all in the same day, it can change all the time. I have also struggled with a lot of black and white thinking. And catastrophizing and regulating my emotions, all of the things. Okay. And so. Whenever I get into a mindset where everything is really overwhelming for me, I will kind of a word vomit, all of those things onto my friends. In the past, I have had to let my friends know like, Hey, if I am too much, if you are having a bad day and I am dumping things onto you that you can't handle, please let me know. Like I can totally be fine. I can back off. I can. I can make this work. And so I've seen two different responses to this. And. I'll share with you first, the healthy version, just so you can see like what a healthy boundary looks like. I have one friend in particular who's really, really good at this. So shout out, Danielle. She does such a good job of this. So if I am shooting her some text messages or voice notes or whatever, and it is overwhelming and she's kind of going through her own stresses in life that I can't see because I'm not with her. Then, she will shoot me a text and say, Hey. I really want to get back to you on this. It's just, I'm having a really hard day right now and I hope your day gets better. I love you. And I'm like, girl. Yes. Yes, a hundred percent. I am all in. I'm actually all ears. Even though I'm going through something hard. I can usually flip that switch and help my friends. that is a very clear and healthy boundaries. So I know that she is going to come back. She's going to talk to me about it later. It's just not now, now is not a good time and it's not her shaming me. She's not making me feel bad for anything, even though she may feel frustrated with me and overwhelmed and annoyed by my messages. I don't receive that vibe. I just know she's going through her own stuff and she will get back to me later on it. Perfect example of a boundary. And unhealthy version of a boundary. if I am doing those things, I am sharing some big feelings with a friend and they tell me to stop. And he just cut me off. Okay. Telling me to stop talking about that subject to get over it. Right. Which I have had many people do. And I understand why, It can be overwhelming. It can be frustrating if, if somebody stays repeating the same behaviors or if they stay in a toxic relationship or whatever. Right. Like, I totally understand how irritating that can be. Even if you have a friend who's depressed and they're not able to pull themselves out of it. Okay. It can be extremely irritating. However. Whenever you go in and blindside somebody when they're having a hard time with a shut up, basically, and people usually phrase it in kind of words. But. That is not a healthy boundary. That's not even a boundary. That is a demand. And I want to make that clarity.'cause I think that's really important. You are not allowed to tell somebody what they can. And can't talk about around you. You can suggest and hope that they do. And explain why, because I think that's so important. That's a missing piece in a lot of the boundary issues is that people aren't explaining why. Why do you need the boundary? How is it hurting you? How is this impacting you? Because if I can know that, then I can have empathy, but if you come in and you try to demand that I. Live my life a specific way, because you want me to. How am I going to have empathy for that? That's really hard to do. I think that those two extremes are just a great example of what healthy and unhealthy boundaries look like. Now. Let's go into ghosting. Ghosting is basically where you will be in the mid conversation with someone and they just disappear. Like for weeks. Weeks months, years, forever, they don't come back. There's no explanation. You received nothing from them. It just ends this is something that I've seen online that people do. And I've had it done to me before as well. Where people are calling it a boundary. Whenever they. Cut people off by ghosting them. And they're like, you know what? I don't like the way you're talking to me boundary. I'm going to ghost you. I never have to speak to you again. Whoa. Okay. So let's talk about this in a protective behavior sense, right? Usually, this is helpful. If you have been in abusive situations. This is a time when that protective behavior is a solid a hundred percent go all in. Seriously go all in. that is the best way to handle. Abusive situations. Now. Handling everyday relationships and conflict. Absolutely the fuck not. Okay. This is so incredibly common. It's very unsettling to me that people are so avoidant of any kind of uncomfortable conversations or conflict. What's really important is if you were going to end any kind of relationship outside of those, there are abusive. You really have to do it in a way. Where you communicate with that person? But first make sure that it's not resolvable because I understand that the uncomfortable conversations are really, really hard, especially if. On the Enneagram, you're like a nine or a two. or a seven. Oh my gosh. Seven huge runners. conflict is really hard for you. I understand. I definitely do. However. It's a part of life and it's a part of relationship. With anyone with your romantic partner, with your family, with your friends, with a stranger on the street. Conflict is going to occur and learning how to fight fair is the best way to do it. Fighting fair is. Gosh, probably one of the best. interpersonal skills that you can learn in my opinion, I think it's incredible. for me, like whenever I look at somebody who goes, I think you're prioritizing your emotions. Over your relationship. that is very sad because relationships. Are some of the most healing things that we can be in. especially if we have relationship trauma. So say we've been in abusive relationships before. We had abusive parents or neglectful parents. Right. Uh, people who are avoidant usually have neglectful parents. And so when you're trying to avoid the thing that scares you. That's usually the thing that's going to heal. You. relationship trauma can only be healed in relationship with other people. So if you are somebody who ghosts and who has an avoidant attachment style, Lean into the relationship, lean into those moments that are really, really scary. Have those conversations and speak from the heart of what you are feeling. Not coming at it as I don't like you you're doing this to me and pushing them away. Right. That's where the narcissism comes in. In my opinion, ghosting is a very, very narcissistic trait. something that my ex actually said to me, Once it was just such a game changer for me, because I have always been a big feelings, girl. I am a huge romantic, but I am also like very fiery. I've got all the things and he said to me, you think that your feelings matter more? Because they're bigger. Whoa. Mind blown. That changed the trajectory of my next four years. After that conversation. I didn't know. Until he said it. How true. That was for me. And I think this is going to play into all of the narcissistic and toxic traits. Because you're feeling something really, really big. You think that that's more important than somebody else's feelings? that is really, really hard to get over. However awareness. Of that contained it. So recognizing like, if you were ghosting somebody. That just because you were feeling something really, really big and you want to run, does not mean that your feelings are more valid or more important than the other person.

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the third behavior that I want to cover that I think is really easily overlooked. Is masking or hiding your true feelings. there are certain times when this protective behavior needs to happen. To hide your true feelings would be if you are in an abusive situation, if you have an abusive. parent or partner. And showing emotion would lead to, you being punished. Yes, absolutely. You need to not do that. This protective behavior is. Very very common and. I think it's a it's societaly encouraged as well. there are many cases in situations whenever you should hold it together and you should mask, right? Like if you were working in customer service, you should not show the fact that you were angry, right. because that's just a you emotion that you need to deal with. However, whenever we use this as a form of manipulation. That's whenever it goes into a toxic. Space. an example of this would be. You know, people who will be extremely, extremely nice. Two. Keep people at a distance when really they're upset. I've seen this with people who are Enneagram, like type twos and nines. Those are very common with them. they will hide their true feelings, mostly because they don't even know what their true feelings are, but they try to control the environment by maintaining the peace and the happiness. And so they will hide how they feel to make you feel better. If they are, feeling used by you. you are milking them dry on some area, whether that's like money time. Affection, whatever the thing is, and they are running on empty and they are just like giving you everything that you need, because that's better than conflict. That's a very unhealthy behavior. It can be used in healthy ways. Just like all of these. But in this situation is a very, very toxic behavior, because then what happens is you build up a ton of resentment towards this person that they have no idea is happening because people. I really pay attention to actions and words. And so if that's not aligning with how you feel on the inside, whoa. Talk about being blindsided. Most of the people that are around you. I would say 99% of the people around you. Don't want to be an asshole. And so if you can actually just tell them, Hey, whoa, whoa. I'm feeling like this is a little bit too much, and I know that it's a me thing, but can you maybe like, kind of back off It is scary to do you guys, because the second that you stop hiding your true feelings is the second that somebody could abandon you. they could. React in a way that you don't like, right? Like it can really disrupt life. I understand that however, healthy relationships. Have a lot of flexibility and fluidity, It's very elastic. relationships that you want to keep in your life have that Alasta city to handle your big feelings. Well, thank you guys for listening to part one of the toxic series. I really, really appreciate you guys listening. Please share with your friends. I'm trying to get the word out there. So if you could, I would greatly appreciate that. And as a reminder, this is not a substitute for therapy. So, if you are looking for a therapist, Hit up psychology today. Dot com good therapy.com therapy, den.com. Just Google. There are a lot of therapists in your area who would love to help you. This is also not therapeutic advice. So take it for what it is. And thank you guys for listening. I can't wait to talk to you again.